finding a new direction

Wow i can't believe it's been 16 months since my last post. I've moved into my own apartment now and I've been here for over a year. I'm enjoying the space. It's allowed me to feel independent.
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So what have I been doing all this time?

I've dabbled in a few entrepreneur projects, (wanted to have an online business so that I can pursue acting) but depression got the better of me and it felt really scary doing it all by myself. Whenever I hit a wall, no one is there to help and I didn't really believe in my projects as I felt they were all lies.

Gave up on the massage business because my apartment is a little too small for that and I didn't feel comfortable letting strangers in my place and having them see my entire place. It made me feel very vulnerable and I didn't have any protection. It doesn't look professional. I also gave up on the singing teaching business as well for the same reason. I really need a proper place to teach and don't feel comfortable doing it in my own home.

Basically I'm sick of doing little bits and pieces kind of work.

I want something that is stable and reliable so that I can do acting on top of that. When your whole life is unstable, I become mentally unstable and I fall in a dark hole. I want something that is ALWAYS there. It needs to be a job that I love and am happy doing it if acting doesn't work out.

Last month I flew up to Brisbane to see what it would be like to 'live' there. I'm sick of Melbourne. the cold weather, my parents (get depressed if I spend more than 20 mins near them), sick of all the gay boys as well. Everyone I meet seems to have massive issues. My rent is about to go up from $320 to $400 and there's no way I can afford that. I'd have to work 4 days at the pharmacy and that will probably be the end of my life.

The thought of being a Physio kind of excites me. I've already got a place at uni so I'm considering taking the offer next year. That will mean I'll be there for 4 years but it might be fun. It would be easier to make friends there without all the baggage of Melbourne.

Ultimately, I would love to live in America. I've applied for the green card visa for the past 7 years but never get it (although I know people who have gotten it). Going to america to find a boyfriend and marrying him probably isn't going to work. Applying for an entertainment visa won't work either unless I'm already famous here. Applying for a work visa won't work either as I will need a sponsor and have to work a day job. Basically, all the doors are closed and so it's time to let go of that dream now. It's made me a little bitter about the whole thing, especially when it was the only thing that made me happy but being a physio ain't too bad I suppose.

So in other news..... I auditioned for a commercial worth $12,000 but didn't get the role. Had to learn cantonese in that one too! Submitted a video audition for a short film shot in Sydney but didn't get it either. I'm still working as an actor, but my priorities has definitely shifted a lot. I'm learning how to look after myself now which isn't a bad thing.