So after 29 years, 10 months and 18 days, I have finally moved out of home! It was emotionally difficult for me - mainly because I could sense that my parents didn't want me to leave. In the weeks leading up to it, I could feel their sadness and I didn't know what to do.
On one side, I would love to stay home and look after them because my brother decided to nick off (that's another story), so it was just me who had to sort out my parents. On the other hand, it was getting too much for me to breathe and I couldn't be myself and I kept getting irritated. I could feel my parents 'stealing' energy from me/trying to get close to me and not only was it uncomfortable, I simply didn't have spare love to give them and with my energy so slow, I was often drained very quickly whenever I was in the house.
The hardest moment was slowly packing my things into boxes, knowing that this would be the last few moments at the house. I looked around the house and I started to miss it. My room didn't feel like it was mine anymore as there were 'gaps' of items missing. Mum was in the lounge room trying to keep herself occupied, but I knew reality was hitting her pretty badly. I told her I was leaving (but said I'd be back tomorrow to pick up a few things to soften the blow), and she seemed ok about it - even though I could tell in her eyes that she was quite upset. I did my best not to blame them or make them look like they were the ones who were causing me to move. Dad made a last ditch attempt at delaying me by removing my car light globe and telling me to wait until the next morning to replace it. However, I knew I was getting out of the house that night. Stopping myself from leaving would only add to more frustration.
When I arrived at my new place, I didn't quite know what to do. I found it really difficult to unpack my things. Reality hit me and I kept thinking about my parents and how they must be feeling. As I opened the boxes to unpack my clothes, I could feel my old houses' energy in them and I didn't want to open it. I felt really sad opening them up. Even though I literally packed them about an hour ago, it felt like a long time had passed and I was opening up an old treasure chest. I still remember the sound of the packaging tape being pulled off the roll.
All I can do right now is look after my feelings and really 'hug' myself. I can feel my heart crying, so I'm going to do my best and comfort it as much as I can. I only have myself now - no boyfriend, no parents, no housemate (she's out for the night) and no friends (no one was available to help me at the last minute). It's just me on a solo mission with no distractions. I feel like I'm saying goodbye to my parent's love and leaving them to sort out their own issues, but I know that I have to heal myself before I can heal others and I trust the process of life.
Ok, I better goto sleep now. I've been eating a tiny kid sized box of sultanas (yes, I took that from my parent's house) while writing this and it is all getting a bit much.
Peace to all!
I think i'm depressed again. I've noticed that if I stay home all day and don't 'connect' with the real world, my mind starts to destroy itself and little things really affect me more than they should - it also doesn't help when you're alone and don't have friends/partner to talk to. I feel like i'm stuck on my own to deal with my own problems which is not easy at all!
I received a copyright infringement on one of my youtube channels for posting a tutorial video which I had made in good faith. It has been resolved now, but I still feel strange about it and can't seem to let it go.
I've also had to let go of a friend who was being a little inappropriate towards me. In the end, I think it was better to let him go because we couldn't be friends if there was always sexual tension between us. Sometimes it's fun to just 'ignore' the hidden feelings and play with it, but I feel that it's better to point it out and deal with it, rather than just 'see how things go' attitude.
It's crazy how just yesterday things were going amazingly well - I worked as a simulated actor and helped more students become better physiotherapists, I went to a group interview for the Australian Open and met some wonderful people there, came home and shot a blog and edited/uploaded it and I also slept well too. Today, I had a day off and I am depressed. I don't know how I can handle this constant up and down. It really is a lot to handle and I probably should:
1) move out of home - after my massage exam
2) get a consistent job with a consistent income
3) the rest will follow.
ok, now i'm tiered from writing about my depressed day. I guess I can finally goto sleep now and hopefully sleep all the way through and not wake up and scratch myself. Sorry for the rather ugly post. I just wanted to let it out and show you that I'm human (not that anyone even reads these blogs).
Oh, here's something that will cheer you up! My vlog on the Melbourne Show!
After months of struggling to get a job to 'support myself', I decided to let it all go and follow what I 'think' my path should be and throw myself into creative things and hope that the universe will look after me! Now I'm flooded with acting work!
I'm having a pretty good week so far! Last night I went out partying and made some new friends and it was a real boost to my confidence. I admit, I have a thing for gingers, and whenever I see someone with red hair, I get overly excited and freeze up, but last night I stayed calm, relaxed and just said 'hi' and it wasn't as frightening as I thought. It's so easy to make up things in your mind before testing them in reality.
Next week I'm WORKING ALL WEEK! Medical acting work, nursing school work, physio work, shooting a TVC, teaching singing, filming a cultural drama stage production. I am so blessed to be given ACTING WORK! I am even more blessed because I've had so much work recently, that I have had to pick and choose which ones to do! WOW!
Last week I had a meeting with my psychic/life coach and she made me realise you don't need to suffer in order to get rewarded. In other words, good things come to you because you are 'open' to it, and not because you had to 'work' for it.
Last week one of my friends posted this music video on Facebook of Robbie Ooh singing and playing piano. As soon as I heard it, I felt the urge to help him add drums, guitar etc. to the rest of the song. After working crazily, I managed to do it within 24 hours, emailed it to him and he LOVED IT! It really made my day knowing that I made someone happy! I can't wait until it is finished! Then I want to add a music video to it!
Ok that's about all for now! I have to rush off to a lyric writing seminar with Pat Pattinson at JMC Music Academy. I'm also working on writing a new dance/pop track! Chat soon!
Well what a tough month it has been!
I finished my massage exam, so now I'm a qualified massage therapist!
I had a look at a few casual jobs, but I've decided to be an entrepreneur and start up my own business! I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I'll figure something out. I've been hanging out with 'freelancers' recently and I really like their lifestyle! I could see myself doing what they do. They also seem less worried and are generally happier people!
I recorded a country song with my friend Grace and soon we are going to shoot a music video for it! I've never felt so empowered in my life! I FINALLY sound good on the recording after struggling with singing for over 10 years, and I also managed to record/edit it properly using all the skills I learnt from school.
I also entered a singing competition and it was a really good confidence boost! FINALLY i'm doing what I've wanted to do and I stopped worrying about money/career/trying to be the best etc.
I've also been more consistent with gym and exercising more regularly and I feel so good. I've become a better dancer and although I'm still having trouble memorising the steps, I've become more comfortable in dance class and being myself!
In the mean time, here's a video I made last month! I DID EVERYTHING on it and I feel AMAZING!
Tomorrow I'm heading to Ballarat for some acting work - what's even better is that I'm getting PAID to travel there as well as work there.
I recently have been struggling to find a suitable after-hours/weekend job with a reliable income so that I can persue acting around it. Instead, I have been relying on odd jobs such as teaching, giving massages, random acting jobs but I don't think I can handle much more of this as I really want to move out of home and grow as a person. I had a few miracle jobs handed to me like a restaurant job, bar job, massage job but they all went cold... I'm scared to get a casual retail job because getting out of a shift is going to be a pain.
My friends made me realise that I am quite qualified to do anything really - retail experience, multiple degrees, teaching experience etc. but just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD. I'm not too sure what to do, but I'll just keep trying. In the meantime, I'm going to celebrate attracting the trip to Ballarat as well as another acting job next week that I attracted! Focus on the good things and you'll get more!
I've been rather out of touch in the past month, but that's because I had no idea breakups take so long to heal! Due to the stress of it, my physical body became ill with a fever, night sweats, muscle aches and pains, tremors. Combined with the emotional loss of a lovely friendship, things really became unstable!
During my time in darkness however, I managed to attract amazing miracles handed to me on a silver platter such as:
The only problem was that all of these things were in Sydney, and I live in Melbourne. It had made me wonder if I should move to Sydney and follow my dreams. One of the last things my friend said to me was "Go for it Kenny, you really CAN have it all". Maybe now is the time to make the move? I'll be turning 29 in 20 days and this is my time to shine! If not now, then when?
Just thought I'd do a quick update on what's going on for me this year.
I'm flying out to Sydney in a few hours to attend Vidinc (a slightly lower key youtube gathering compared to VidCON). JENNA MARBLES is going to be there! She's a true inspiration to me because she did the whole uni thing, got a degree but she still followed her heart and did what she wanted. Now she's into business and it's pretty close to what I want to do! I want to have my own website, sell my merch, market myself and do lots of fun stuff. I'm getting excited thinking about the future. It's fun when you simply let go of the fear what amazing things you can do with your life.
Hopefully I will get a chance to shoot some blogs while I'm there.