Wow i can't believe it's been 16 months since my last post. I've moved into my own apartment now and I've been here for over a year. I'm enjoying the space. It's allowed me to feel independent.
So what have I been doing all this time?
I've dabbled in a few entrepreneur projects, (wanted to have an online business so that I can pursue acting) but depression got the better of me and it felt really scary doing it all by myself. Whenever I hit a wall, no one is there to help and I didn't really believe in my projects as I felt they were all lies.
Gave up on the massage business because my apartment is a little too small for that and I didn't feel comfortable letting strangers in my place and having them see my entire place. It made me feel very vulnerable and I didn't have any protection. It doesn't look professional. I also gave up on the singing teaching business as well for the same reason. I really need a proper place to teach and don't feel comfortable doing it in my own home.
Basically I'm sick of doing little bits and pieces kind of work.
I want something that is stable and reliable so that I can do acting on top of that. When your whole life is unstable, I become mentally unstable and I fall in a dark hole. I want something that is ALWAYS there. It needs to be a job that I love and am happy doing it if acting doesn't work out.
Last month I flew up to Brisbane to see what it would be like to 'live' there. I'm sick of Melbourne. the cold weather, my parents (get depressed if I spend more than 20 mins near them), sick of all the gay boys as well. Everyone I meet seems to have massive issues. My rent is about to go up from $320 to $400 and there's no way I can afford that. I'd have to work 4 days at the pharmacy and that will probably be the end of my life.
The thought of being a Physio kind of excites me. I've already got a place at uni so I'm considering taking the offer next year. That will mean I'll be there for 4 years but it might be fun. It would be easier to make friends there without all the baggage of Melbourne.
Ultimately, I would love to live in America. I've applied for the green card visa for the past 7 years but never get it (although I know people who have gotten it). Going to america to find a boyfriend and marrying him probably isn't going to work. Applying for an entertainment visa won't work either unless I'm already famous here. Applying for a work visa won't work either as I will need a sponsor and have to work a day job. Basically, all the doors are closed and so it's time to let go of that dream now. It's made me a little bitter about the whole thing, especially when it was the only thing that made me happy but being a physio ain't too bad I suppose.
So in other news..... I auditioned for a commercial worth $12,000 but didn't get the role. Had to learn cantonese in that one too! Submitted a video audition for a short film shot in Sydney but didn't get it either. I'm still working as an actor, but my priorities has definitely shifted a lot. I'm learning how to look after myself now which isn't a bad thing.
Wow! I didn't realise it was so long since I posted an update. I've been taking a mini break from commercial acting (but don't know how long it will be) as I recover from being a 'slave' to acting agents. I'm so sick of being 'on call' and having to give up my life just to attend auditions. I feel like my life is on hold and I have to wait for things to fall out of the sky.
In an order to look after myself mentally, I have decided to get a weekend job with regular hours (YES!). On weekdays I work as a medical simulation actor. I'm planning to move out to my own place so that I can teach music and do massages :) Things are looking up now. I'm now in control of my own life and I feel a lot better.
Recently I've been thinking about getting back into acting. This is what I was born to do and I'm certainly not going to give up on it, but sometimes in life you just need to take a side step to find your ground before you can build on it and that's exactly what I've done! good work Kenny!
I've been so busy loving myself and looking after myself, I completely forgot about updating this blog!
last Tuesday, my friend Grace came over and we had a jam session where we played and sang songs from Nashville (TV series we're both addicted to).
Then we decided to take it a step further and write a song - yep you'll get to hear it when it's finished.
We also went on YouNow and broadcasted the entire session and we made lots of cool online friends, some of which thought we were professional song writers. WOW!
well i've always wanted to be one and it just so happens Grace is amazing at lyrics. I'm an audio engineer and she's a video editor. There's a production house right here :) stay tuned!
So after 29 years, 10 months and 18 days, I have finally moved out of home! It was emotionally difficult for me - mainly because I could sense that my parents didn't want me to leave. In the weeks leading up to it, I could feel their sadness and I didn't know what to do.
On one side, I would love to stay home and look after them because my brother decided to nick off (that's another story), so it was just me who had to sort out my parents. On the other hand, it was getting too much for me to breathe and I couldn't be myself and I kept getting irritated. I could feel my parents 'stealing' energy from me/trying to get close to me and not only was it uncomfortable, I simply didn't have spare love to give them and with my energy so slow, I was often drained very quickly whenever I was in the house.
The hardest moment was slowly packing my things into boxes, knowing that this would be the last few moments at the house. I looked around the house and I started to miss it. My room didn't feel like it was mine anymore as there were 'gaps' of items missing. Mum was in the lounge room trying to keep herself occupied, but I knew reality was hitting her pretty badly. I told her I was leaving (but said I'd be back tomorrow to pick up a few things to soften the blow), and she seemed ok about it - even though I could tell in her eyes that she was quite upset. I did my best not to blame them or make them look like they were the ones who were causing me to move. Dad made a last ditch attempt at delaying me by removing my car light globe and telling me to wait until the next morning to replace it. However, I knew I was getting out of the house that night. Stopping myself from leaving would only add to more frustration.
When I arrived at my new place, I didn't quite know what to do. I found it really difficult to unpack my things. Reality hit me and I kept thinking about my parents and how they must be feeling. As I opened the boxes to unpack my clothes, I could feel my old houses' energy in them and I didn't want to open it. I felt really sad opening them up. Even though I literally packed them about an hour ago, it felt like a long time had passed and I was opening up an old treasure chest. I still remember the sound of the packaging tape being pulled off the roll.
All I can do right now is look after my feelings and really 'hug' myself. I can feel my heart crying, so I'm going to do my best and comfort it as much as I can. I only have myself now - no boyfriend, no parents, no housemate (she's out for the night) and no friends (no one was available to help me at the last minute). It's just me on a solo mission with no distractions. I feel like I'm saying goodbye to my parent's love and leaving them to sort out their own issues, but I know that I have to heal myself before I can heal others and I trust the process of life.
Ok, I better goto sleep now. I've been eating a tiny kid sized box of sultanas (yes, I took that from my parent's house) while writing this and it is all getting a bit much.
Peace to all!
I think i'm depressed again. I've noticed that if I stay home all day and don't 'connect' with the real world, my mind starts to destroy itself and little things really affect me more than they should - it also doesn't help when you're alone and don't have friends/partner to talk to. I feel like i'm stuck on my own to deal with my own problems which is not easy at all!
I received a copyright infringement on one of my youtube channels for posting a tutorial video which I had made in good faith. It has been resolved now, but I still feel strange about it and can't seem to let it go.
I've also had to let go of a friend who was being a little inappropriate towards me. In the end, I think it was better to let him go because we couldn't be friends if there was always sexual tension between us. Sometimes it's fun to just 'ignore' the hidden feelings and play with it, but I feel that it's better to point it out and deal with it, rather than just 'see how things go' attitude.
It's crazy how just yesterday things were going amazingly well - I worked as a simulated actor and helped more students become better physiotherapists, I went to a group interview for the Australian Open and met some wonderful people there, came home and shot a blog and edited/uploaded it and I also slept well too. Today, I had a day off and I am depressed. I don't know how I can handle this constant up and down. It really is a lot to handle and I probably should:
1) move out of home - after my massage exam
2) get a consistent job with a consistent income
3) the rest will follow.
ok, now i'm tiered from writing about my depressed day. I guess I can finally goto sleep now and hopefully sleep all the way through and not wake up and scratch myself. Sorry for the rather ugly post. I just wanted to let it out and show you that I'm human (not that anyone even reads these blogs).
Oh, here's something that will cheer you up! My vlog on the Melbourne Show!
After months of struggling to get a job to 'support myself', I decided to let it all go and follow what I 'think' my path should be and throw myself into creative things and hope that the universe will look after me! Now I'm flooded with acting work!
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